The Wall

by Bethany

URL: http://www.stargateslash.com/asb/bethany7/wall.php
Summary: Set in the last few episodes of Battlestar: Jack & Daniel get very prominently mentioned

I'm walking past, and all of a sudden, I'm standing there, staring at the wall, looking at all the faces we've lost in this damn war; wishing I could turn back the clock, hating myself for what I am, and for loving the woman who has the name of the place I once considered home, which she, and her kind, mine as it turns out, destroyed! It's ludicrous. It's twisted! The whole darn thing, and suddenly, I am reminded of something and someone who make me hate myself even more. Ellen, and how she considers herself mother of the Cylons, making me their father, in her eyes. Even in my one remaining eye, I cannot face that idea... I don't remember it. I certainly didn't when I first went with Caprica Six. Falling for her came later, because at first, I really did think she was Ellen. Falling for her came when she 'fell' for me, fell with child, my child... But it all fell down when those bastards fought with her, and when Ellen and I somehow continued that fight, in an even more deadly form...

I used to think of Bill Adama as Zeus, mine, if I'm honest. Not that we can ever admit to that. I do have enough love to fill a room, and most of it goes to Bill Adama – about that, Ellen has the right idea! I was loyal to him, even before I was considered a real traitor, scared in fact that was what, and is what, I am!! Now, it seems, to some, though never to myself, and I hope that day never comes, I am the Zeus figure... Bill may look like the Greek god, have the power, command, mind and body – He may bring the myth to life, but I was a creator once, not a destroyer, as I seem to forever be now... In this Millennia! Why, in Hades, were we the last to remember? Mind you, none of us realised!

I look at the wall, look at all the lost faces on it, wishing Caprica and I hadn't lost our unborn baby. When we were expecting him, I began to think I might just also be able to conceive what true happiness is like... I, at least, wish we could put our baby, Liam's, photo upon this wall... But I know that there are some on this fragile ship who would tear it down, take away his right to exist here all over again...

And while I'm here, looking at the wall, I pray that I never have to put Bill's picture upon it, as for the thousandth time, especially since Boomer got back here, I think of every time the old man has nearly died... And the last time, when I would have died with him. We've been separated before, but I pray, if I do believe in God, that is, (one thing I do believe, is I'm not Him! I knew that even before it was impossible for me to bring back my son!), it'll never, ever happen again...

I look to my left, and see two soldiers there who were loyal to Bill during the mutiny. O'Neill and Jackson. Humans, as far as any of us can tell, and rumour has it that they are a couple, in the romantic sense. Not especially smiled upon in the Military, for anyone, but we all know it goes on... Again though, that's a freedom Bill and I can't have! O'Neill doesn't like me all that much. He openly admits that he hates what this war has turned us all into, or, more accurately, I suppose, what it has revealed some of us to be... And I know he struggles most with me because I have 'allied' myself to Caprica Six, the woman who knowingly walked amongst all those people whom died. His family were on Caprica, his son. I hear Caprica cry at night sometimes, and I wish I was in Bill's bed, instead of my own, with her. She cries, sometimes for our son – But sometimes, I believe it is for someone else's son, or all the sons and daughters of her namesake(s)....

Jackson, the man who stands with O'Neill, was a Doctor of Archaeology and Anthropology once, and we have used his skills in our search for Earth, and the Thirteenth Colony, from which I come... But mostly, this man has turned to be a soldier. This is what my people have done to him, because he lost his family, too. His parents, apparently, had long since died when that frakking awful day happened, but in the initial attack, Daniel Jackson's wife, and father-in-law died. His brother-in-law became one of our raptor pilots, and died back when the Cylons were still everyone's enemy. Jack O'Neill, Daniel's partner , the man who stands with him now, a Pilot himself, still feels guilty for the death of Daniel's young brother-in-law.... I can see it in his eyes, along with everything else, and every other guilt. It reminds me of the guilt I see in Bill's eyes, about Zac, and though it's different, in Thrace's eyes, about him, too... It reminds me of the guilt I see in my own eye. It's the only time I'm thankful I don't still have two, or I might have to see double the pain staring back at me. I know I feel it, chiefly over Liam, yet more, and deeper than before... Yes. Jack and Daniel have a right to hate me! I know I hate myself... I can hear them talk, feel them staring at me, when they're not staring at the wall, though I try not to... I can hear Daniel's words about tears making him feel like a fool, about how crying relieves him of nothing, how it's all a load of crap! I can hear him say there are always more tears inside, no matter if a tear escapes his eye; He says he will never cry enough tears to stop the pain... And though I know now more than ever, that every man is different, in a way I know I agree with him even more... And as I hear Jack O'Neill say that he agrees, too, and I wonder what else he agrees to, for I still feel fear, I still have people to lose, people that have probably never been mine, I know that at the very least, on one thing, I do agree with both Jack and Daniel. No matter if a tear does escape my eye, never enough tears will I cry...

The End

Author's Note: I make no money, and mean to step on no one's toes at all,by writing my stories... Feedback welcome as long as it is always polite.