A Thousand Reasons Why

by Bethany

URL: http://www.stargateslash.com/asb/bethany6/thousand.php
Summary: Carson confesses his being in love with Rodney to his new Balaran friend, Novo

Carson sat at the table with Novo; the habitats that had been built for the Balarans on their second new home-world, were not modern, but they were surprisingly comfortable...

"Why did you come back with us again?" She asked, not unkindly.

"Truthfully," Carson began, "because I'm trying to redeem myself for what happened while Michael had me captive..." Carson muttered.

"That was not your fault!" Novo told him.

"It was, my dear... Essentially, I created Michael..." Carson responded.

"Yes, to try and save lives, including his... You were trying to find a solution in which no one had to die, and from how I gather it, that was not you anyway, but the you who died in a fire..." Novo reminded Carson, thinking of when he'd told her about the other Carson being at the centre of an explosion, dying in the flames... Really, all that was sent home in a casket was his ashes, poor man. Carson had also previously told her that he felt guilty because the other one's death had at least made it a little easier for him, as the second Carson, when he was found and brought to Atlantis.

"I did his bidding, Novo; when people started dying because he wanted my help; in the end, all I did was help him kill more..." Carson stated.

"That wasn't your fault either. You did your best in an awful situation..." Novo tried to assure her friend.

"That's what Rodney always says..." Carson mused, wishing he could believe it.

"Why is everyone so understanding..?" Carson said, feeling the lump in his throat form.

"Because we would not be half as brave in your situation..." Novo said plainly.

"Sefaris was as brave as I was... He handed me and Rodney over to try and save people... And Jervis did the same..." Carson noted.

"Yeah, they did it to save themselves, too, though..." Novo knew the difference between them and Carson.

"I didn't want to die either; now, I'm 'prepared' to, if I have to..." Carson replied. "But I'm still no better than Sefaris and Jervis."

"You are." Novo said firmly, and she brushed Carson's hand for a moment. "You mustn't die... We would all miss you! Especially your friend, Rodney!" She smiled.

"He already blames himself, wrongfully, for the other Carson's death..." Carson noted.

"Maybe, he understands more of what you're going through; he could help you... You told me that he told you all about the time he blew up a solar system while trying to help people..."

"There wasn't anyone in it, thank God! Carson answered.

"No. But there could have been, so maybe, Rodney feels a similar guilt to yours... And he would have been no more guilty than you are, Carson..." Novo said emphatically.

"Thanks..." Carson appreciated Nova's attempts to help.

"I bet Rodney misses you..." Novo replied.

"Yeah, but he still has friends in Atlantis, like Sheppard and Doctor Keller. Sheppard's right; Rodney's a good man..." Carson pondered. "I can't go home though..." Carson trailed off a little. "To Earth, or Atlantis... On my home planet, everyone thinks I'm dead, including my poor mother..."

"I'm sorry..." Novo said softly, genuinely.

"And on Atlantis, I'm scared..." Carson admitted for the first time, to anyone. "I'm scared of what I'll be asked to do next, not that they mistreated me or anything, as Michael did... They never mistreated the other Carson, I mean... I've got his memories. Or me. They never once hurt me. Rodney had a lot to do with that, but they're all good people. I miss them. But I'm afraid of what I'll get talked into for the sake of the Universe again..."

"You stood up to the Wraith who captured you and Rodney! You told me earlier... Have faith in yourself, Carson... Besides, sometimes, we are asked to make difficult decisions. You can't get away from it. That's life!" Novo commented.

"And death..." Carson replied. "Besides, the people who the Atlanteans report back to, on Earth, my home planet, are scared of me, because of Michael... They don't really want me on Earth... There's no life for me there, and while they might be convinced to let me go back to Atlantis, they'd be afraid of my return, of what it might herald, if Michael ever took an interest in me again..." Carson paused. "Oh, Lord! I am sorry! Here I am, speaking out my fears without any regard for you all, whom I dwell amongst... I didn't mean to scare you, Novo... I do honestly think I am rid of Michael. I think even he is scared of me!" Carson paused again. "Because of the virus, I mean..!"

"I know!" Novo said kindly. "Please, don't fret so much, Carson..." She paused. "I still think you might be able to return, at least to Atlantis, one day..."

"But what of when the Expedition ends..? I'll be all alone!" Carson shivered at the thought.

"There may still be a way for you to return to Earth... They could tell your mother it was all a hideous mistake, or a secret kind of mission... She would just be happy to have you back. She will never hate you..." Novo paused. "And you will always have a second home here..." She said, brightly.

"Thank you!" Carson held her hand briefly, thinking momentarily of Alison Porter, and sitting around a table with her, in that shack, on that godforsaken planet. He'd hoped to find a little bit of happiness with her not so long ago, but, deep down, he knew it wasn't the happiness he really wanted... He could never have that; would never deserve it now, after all he'd done, and besides, if Rodney loved him at all, it was the other him; In fact, that probably explained his and Rodney's whole friendship, that Rodney was holding on to a dead man, not letting go of a second chance, remembering his other friend, as well...

"But I'm still sure that Rodney would want you home, and that he would welcome you back..." Novo said.

"I'm sure he has a thing for another Doctor!" Carson said, trying to joke. "Doctor Keller..."

"Are you in love with Rodney?" Novo asked, straight.

"Am I that obvious, lass??!" Carson asked, appalled at himself.

"No..!" Novo smiled. "But if you want my opinion..?" She asked sweetly. "I think he's in love with you, too..!"

"He told me to get off him when we were huddled in that dart thing..!" Carson smiled sadly.

"From what you've told me," Novo said carefully, "that sounds just like Rodney, but I'm still convinced that he loves YOU like YOU love him...I doubt it's only memory, for either of you... A second chance is a second chance, however you both arrived at it..."

Carson smiled, and yet, felt like crying, for a thousand reasons...

The End

Author's Note: I make no money, and mean to step on no one's toes at all,by writing my stories... Feedback welcome as long as it is always polite.