That Was All That Mattered

by Bethany

URL: http://www.stargateslash.com/asb/bethany6/thatwasa.php
Summary: Clone Carson feels the guilt of things he remembers, yet didn't do, and the guilt of things he was forced to do... McKay tries to help assuage the guilt

"The Truth is, Rodney," Carson looked at him, as they stood in his temporary room on Atlantis. "I created a monster, and then, I did his bidding..."

"We all created him..." Rodney pointed out. "And you did his bidding under duress. People were dying."

"But they died through what I did, too!" Carson mused out-loud.

"So, there was no way to win, and you did your best. You're a victim, too!" Rodney continued his argument.

"Yeah, of my own work!" Carson fumed.

"Of ours, of all of ours, Carson!" Rodney said. "And we were trying to do good, save people!"

"Does that matter?" Carson asked. "We didn't manage it!" He met Rodney's eyes.

"Yes!" Rodney said, emphatically. "Don't you think I have similar feelings about the time I blew up a solar system? All for a very good reason, that didn't seem good enough after the fact!"

"There was no one in it, Rodney, thank God!" Carson noted.

"There could have been..!" Rodney said. "My actions!" He paused. "I played God, and I probably extinguished the possibility of life..."

"I'm sorry, Rodney..!" Carson sat down heavily on the sofa.

Rodney found himself sitting beside his friend. "What for?"

"It's my guilt... I did it... You've got nothing to do with it." Carson tried to explain.

"But I have, Carson... I can't deny it. I'm not letting you carry this alone." Rodney stated.

"It's a mark against my soul..." Carson replied; it occurring to him for the thousandth time...

"You were doing your best. Your intentions were not evil; it came from trying to fight the good fight; trying to do kind things for everyone; stop the hurting!" Rodney answered.

"It was a dumb idea!" Carson told him. "And I knew it..! I should have said something way before it started to go wrong! I hurt Michael alright! I should have said something about it in the idea stage!"

"We all should have..." Rodney pondered.

"How could we not have for-seen his anger? We caused it, Rodney. I went against my own morals in a blank moment, and unleashed hell for so many..! I should have worked harder in the beginning, against the side of my brain that said it was the right thing to do..." " Carson mentioned.

Rodney put his arm on Carson's shoulder. "You were a victim of evil... You are not evil."

"I still have to live with it. I can't negate the responsibility... I went along with it! And why am I still working in Genetics? Ya'd think I woulda have learnt my lesson!" Carson berated himself. "I'm so damn angry, Rodney! If only I'd'a thought a few moments more!!"

"If you'd've thought a few moments more, you wouldn't be here, and I know you're going to say, maybe, that'd be for the best, but it wouldn't." Rodney thought of how he'd always needed Carson... Carson returning, this Carson, was a gift to him, as much as his other friend, the first Carson, had been while he'd selfishly not realised it. "Without you, this world wouldn't have a Carson Beckett, and we need him; he's a good guy. He works hard! He's gonna help us help the world – The Universe, Carson! You're going to help the Universe! You're working in Genetics because, as you did before, you're working with everyone else in mind; stopping Michael for them, stopping his creations!" Rodney stated.

"Mine!" Carson almost cried. "My creations, the poor damned things..! I let it happen – None of it would've been possible without me! And I'm just an imitation of the man called Carson... I wasn't born to my mother... I wasn't anything! But the cold blooded scientist and killer I became after he made me; perhaps, I am in inherently evil, perhaps I am what I deserve to be because of what I can remember doing, even if I didn't. I'm still the man who did those things, not wishing to have a go at your friend..."

"You were trying to save lives..! You still are, and you're doing it; saving people, lots and lots of them, from the Wraith! And don't say that you're guilty of sacrificing the few for the many; all you're guilty of is trying to work within a situation! Remember that! And, if you can, remember this, you were not created until after we'd changed Michael." Rodney said, finding his arm still around Carson's shoulder. "It was, it is, all to save lives! You're not responsible, Carson, not alone, not at all really, and not to the level that you think you are! Not for what he decided to do! Michael was born with a mind of his own – You didn't give it to him... I know you think you changed it, but you didn't... We all did! Remember, he has always been a Wraith, despite our best efforts and good intentions!." He hugged his friend to his chest, and didn't care about any embarrassment. He simply sheltered Carson because Carson needed him in that moment. That was all that mattered!

"Yeah..." Carson said. "So, why did I think I could change him..?"

"You didn't; think that, that is..." Rodney continued to hug Carson. It was all he could do!

The End

Author's Note: I make no money, and mean to step on no one's toes at all,by writing my stories... Feedback welcome as long as it is always polite.