The Night In The Castle, And The Truth From The Heart

by Bethany

URL: http://www.stargateslash.com/asb/bethany6/nightint.php
Summary: During their obligatory stay in Loren's the castle by the sea, Jack and Daniel tell each other the truth

"Are they alright?" Loren asked Samantha.

"They will be..." She watched her two friends walk to another part of the castle. SG1 had been here a couple of weeks almost, trying to get off the drug that The Light had become.

"Why do they keep going off together..?" Loren wondered.

"They need to talk..." Sam replied. "About everything the depression of their Light-withdrawal has reminded them of..."

"Like when I've been talking to you or Daniel about my parents having died..?" Loren pondered.

"Stuff like that, yeah..." Sam stated patiently. She thought of Loren's parents, who'd become gypsies, with their son as a baby, after their world was attacked by the Goa'uld, according to Loren. They'd been brave even to step foot inside this place, brave or foolish, since they had a son... Sam didn't know which they were, except that they were all unfortunate.

"Because you and Daniel know what it's like, especially Daniel because neither of his parents are alive..." Loren reasoned.

"Exactly." Sam responded. "They just need some privacy, Loren... Neither of them talk about their feelings to anyone; the only people they've found who they can talk to is each other..."

"I understand..." Loren replied thoughtfully.

***

Jack leant against the column in the middle of the room, and cradled Daniel, who was beside him, in his arms.

Daniel couldn't help but cry. He blamed himself for every one of the tragedies in his life, and he had other things to cry about, too... He, sometimes, still felt like he meant what he said when he had told Jack, 'It's not worth it... None of it means anything... None of it matters anymore..!' – The only thing he knew was all the bad he thought he'd done. He wanted to die. He wished he had; he would now be being judged; he would now know...

Jack knew all of this was going through Daniel's mind; that Daniel was too exhausted, maybe even strung out as he had been when Shyla's Sarcophagus got to him, to stop the tears. Jack knew that Daniel hated being so weak, hated his weaknesses, the ones that had led to all of this, what he considered self-inflicted pain... Jack knew all of this because he could identify with it. He had felt it when first, his son, Charlie, died, and then, his friend, Charlie Kowalsky, as well as many other comrades throughout the years... As well as the fact that when each ofhis parents died in the intervening years, he hated himself for everything he thought he wasn't, and should have been, for them. He hated himself for causing the death of their grandson, taking the boy away from them... He hated himself for each and everything he should have done, but didn't, and vice versa..! And he could say that, in his own way, he knew how Daniel felt about the fact that he, Daniel, thought his parents' Heavenly vantage point offered them a view of everything their son was, everything he did; faults, mistakes, and all..! He was so afraid they didn't love him anymore, because there was something wrong about him. So, as Daniel cried over everything he had ever lost, including a wife, Jack, who had also lost his family, held Daniel, his friend...

"Ssshhh, sweetheart... That mind of yours is telling you lies. There is good in you, in all that you do... There is a point, a good point, to your existence, Daniel..." Jack barely even blinked as he called his friend 'sweetheart'. He would have, at any other time, but not when Daniel was so upset; when Daniel was distraught, he needed to know that his heart really was sweet..!

"There is no point, Jack... No point!" Daniel cried harshly.

"There is, Daniel... You're a good man! Don't let the devil fill you up with his poisonous interpretations!" Jack mused.

"Ever since I was a baby, I've spoilt things... Somehow... My mind has always been screwed. I've always ended up doing things that don't make sense, even to me..." Daniel said. "Why have I always made awful decisions?? Why?!"

"You're not to blame, Daniel... You are not to blame!" Jack repeated calmly.

Daniel suddenly sobbed again, and crumpled into the shelter of Jack's side. "I don't deserve to be loved anyway... I'm crazy, but I know what I'm doing, or I should do... And yet, I always get me and the people I love into deep trouble... Sha're..."

"You had to let us know you'd found evidence of more Goa'uld, Daniel... It was the right tactical decision, for everyone... You could not have known that Apophis was close by, on the prowl... His evil is not your fault!" Jack stated truthfully.

"It's my fault that I fell pointlessly in love..." Daniel responded.

"Your love for Sha're was not pointless, Daniel..." Jack said honestly.

"It was when it got her killed, and it was when I betrayed her anyway..." Daniel spoke tiredly.

"First of all," Jack said. "Her death is no responsibility of yours!" He answered emphatically. "Second of all, how is it you figure that you betrayed her..?"

"By falling in love again so soon after she was gone..." Daniel explained, feeling queasy, and disgusted with himself for not being strong enough to keep all this at bay.

"With who?" Jack asked. Then, he apologised. "Sorry... That's your business!"

"You." Daniel swiftly replied, feeling dizzy.

Jack turned his body a little, but did not let go of Daniel, as if to reject him. "Me?"

"Yeah..." Daniel looked up into Jack's warm chocolate brown eyes, and his stomach roiled with nerves.

"Are you sure, Daniel?" Jack asked, still holding Daniel comfortingly.

"Yes." Daniel whispered. "I'm sorry. You'd better stay away from me... I don't want you to be cursed by me, like everyone else was... Too many people have been hurt because of me."

"No one has been hurt because of you, Daniel..." Jack rubbed Daniel' s shoulder, and pulled the man's head to rest more so on his (Jack's) chest...

"You're just saying that..!" Daniel answered desperately. "Because..." He trailed off.

"Because what?" Jack pondered aloud. "Because I love you?" He paused, dredging up the strength to admit the truth to himself and to Daniel... "I do..." He told him. Then, he held up a hand, placing it gently onto Daniel's lips for half a second. "But you must never think that that's the reason why I'm telling you none of your pain is your fault... I'm telling you it, Daniel, because it's true. None of it is your fault. Think of me as a channel by which you're finally told the truth; your fears are manipulations that you mustn't believe in. You taught me that, when we first met. For God's sake, Daniel, let me return the favour..."

"Thanks for not hating me, Jack..." Daniel said.

"For what?" Jack grinned, rubbing Daniel's shoulder again, as his friend looked to him.

"For everything, and for being in love with you... I know it means I've just ruined everything again..!" Daniel stated.

"You've ruined nothing, Daniel... I'll let you in on my secret. I'm in love with you, too!" He paused, his breath taken away by the admission, scared of how it might affect them, and their work. "The rest of it, we can work out. I mean, we're no less in love than we were yesterday, and we coped yesterday, didn't we? We'll cope tomorrow..."

"In all our tomorrows, I so hope..." Daniel replied, his sorrow darkened blue eyes meeting Jack's eyes, those same warm brown eyes he saw before he'd told the man he was in love with him...

Jack kissed Daniel. For a moment, he let himself live in spite of the Regs. "I love you, Daniel..." Jack told him quietly, as he kissed behind Daniel's ear, nudging the soft skin, and breathing in the scent of him, dwelling for a moment, resting there...

"Love you, too..." Daniel began to yearn next to Jack's body. "Can we?" He asked.

"Daniel, I don't think you're ready..." Jack said patiently. "I don't want to take advantage of you, as sissy as I know that sounds..." He smiled kindly.

"Jack, please... I've wanted this for so long... Please, give me this happiness..!" Daniel pleaded with him.

Jack held Daniel's face in his hands tenderly as they both got up from the floor. He made sure he could really look into Daniel's eyes. "If you change your mind, you'd better tell me, Daniel... Don't think you have to see it through! And if you regret this in the morning, don't hate yourself for anything, please!!"

"I'll try not to!" Daniel tried to smile. "I mean it... And I will say, Jack... I'm too damn weary not to say if I can't take it anymore..!"

Jack, still holding Daniel's face without anything but the sweetest pressure, kissed Daniel again...

Soon, they began to strip each other of their clothes.

"How do you see this happening?" Jack checked.

"You in me..." Daniel said shyly.

"Don't be ashamed of admitting you need someone, Daniel... We both know life is lonely enough!" Jack said.

"We're both clean, aren't we, Jack..?" Daniel asked.

"My last medical said so..." Jack replied honestly.

"Mine, too..." Daniel told him truthfully. "There's nothing here that could harm us, apart from the Light, is there..?"

"All the sweeps, and the continued tests that Frasier insists on sending in D.I.Y kits, say not..." Jack assured Daniel.

"Then, please, love me..." Daniel replied nakedly.

"I do, and I will..." Jack ached for Daniel, and to vanish the pain he saw in the beautiful man's eyes. His knees be damned, he would love Daniel tonight, and he would take very good care of him...

They 'fell' to the floor again, continuing to kiss, and to rub up against each other. "How long has it been since, Daniel?" Jack asked. "I mean, have you ever even..?"

"Have you?" Daniel breathed.

"Had ignored inklings of wondering out in the field, or in the locker-room, but never actually had any of those thoughts persist, never actually wanted to go through with it until you... Maybe, I should let you be inside me... I'll take the pain. You've got enough to deal with."

"We have soap in our packs, and wipes to help lather it up..." Daniel lay looking up at Jack. "And you can massage me... Let's just see how far we can get..."

"Okay..." Jack smiled with affection for his friend, such love... "It's a good job we went walking with our gear..!" He laughed.

"Maybe, there is a real God, and maybe, he doesn't hate me quite so much..!" Daniel mused.

"He doesn't hate you, Daniel... No reason to. You've always done your best, with a whole heap of crap trying to smother you... He knows that. There are forces you can't control. But I'm not one of them, Daniel... If the massaging and lubrication don't work," Jack said, moving to the side, and reaching for his supply pack gratefully. "Tell me; be sure to tell me..!"

"I will..." Daniel promised.

****

Jack worked Daniel even now, lovingly, with the man's legs over his shoulders, his backside off the ground, allowing Jack to be inside, and their love making near completion. They were sweating gloriously in the night, in the contrastingly arid heat of the castle, and managing to love with everything they had, in spite of the less than comfortable setting... Somehow, all that faded. Jack knew they would ache in the morning, but he hoped not too much, especially not Daniel, who was still so concerned with every terrible thing his addiction had reminded him of... His depression was quite real, and Jack would make sure Janet made an assessment of him when they got home, for Daniel's own sake... If need be, and if Daniel was okay with it, Jack would take some leave, as this little vacation didn't really count as any, and he would take care of Daniel in his own, or in his, Jack's, house... He again, pledged, he would always be there for Daniel... No matter what... And he just prayed he could keep that pledge.

The End

Author's Note: I make no money, and mean to step on no one's toes at all,by writing my stories... Feedback welcome as long as it is always polite.