In The Land Of Hope, There Is No Winter 2
Love & Hate, Fear & Hope
by Bethany
URL: http://www.stargateslash.com/asb/bethany6/loveamph.php
Summary: Daniel is at home with Jack worrying about life and death, the future, and the kind of man he is after his ordeal in the Alien Fertility Lab
Info: This world is not an AU, exactly, but it is a Fixit, in that it ignores the death of Janet, and things like Sam & Jack, Daniel & Vala
Daniel laid on the sofa, thinking about things... "The hockey game's about to start, Jack!" He called to Jack.
Jack came in from tidying up in the kitchen. "The one on TV, or is the baby kicking again?" He asked.
Daniel smiled, and turned his head to the TV. "That one..." He pointed out.
Jack shifted Daniel's legs and feet, until he sat on one end of the sofa, Daniel's legs, and swollen ankles comfortably arranged for both of them...
Daniel lay half on his side, somewhat on his back, looking at Jack a moment, then the TV again.
There was so much going on... So much. Neither of them were exactly worked for, or trusted by the SGC bigwigs anymore... But they hadn't been let go either... What if forcing men to have babies was the Invasion Plan of the alien bad guys who'd done this to Daniel..? What if? What if? What if?? They'd likely be tracked by the Stargate program forever, but even the bigwigs knew it was probably best to let Jack, Daniel, and the baby, 'get away'... The world couldn't risk finding out about Daniel, the man capable of having a baby... Unless, maybe, they could claim he was like that sex change 'guy' who turned from being a woman, but hadn't given up his womb, and had fallen pregnant..? Daniel wanted to both laugh and cry. How ridiculous and demeaning would it be to have to pretend he was once a woman? He knew that people he'd known years ago would snigger if they ever found out... Maybe, it was best to stay in plain sight, so that they couldn't become an eliminated 'threat'... Daniel felt sick at the thought.
"Hey, Danny," Jack rubbed Daniel's knee. "Don't fret..."
Daniel gave Jack the best smile he could, and let Jack watch him for a moment longer before returning his eyes to the Game on TV... There was so much to worry about... So much, but he had to try and stop, for the baby's sake... At least he had Jack... Some of the men who were in that Lab, they probably returned to no one. He did worry about whether he'd been right to keep the baby, but he just couldn't hurt the child... Another reason he had to try and not worry before time...
Jack's career had effectively, absolutely been over from the day he'd hit some visiting politician, for suggesting that perhaps he and Daniel had orchestrated all this to have a baby together, that Daniel might have wanted the procedure to occur so that he could entrap Jack, and, maybe, the whole planet... Perhaps he was in league with the 'aliens'... So, now, though Daniel didn't blame Jack at all, he worried more than ever about the one-time prisoners who'd now been returned to their planet... Had they started snatching men all over again?? When Jack was still partially at the SGC, at least he had some sway with the likes of Hammond, to keep a close eye on these people, not just on their planet, but on their practices... Whoever was watching the planet and the people now wit beedy eyes beholding feverish paranoia, Daniel bet that they didn't give a crap, not really, about what the 'Doctors' and 'Scientists' really got up to...
That's what Daniel hated about all this! His anger! He hated it. Several times in his life, he had given up his life for a whole planet, or nearly done so... Whatever! But now, he had to struggle with the fact that some days, some part of him wanted to blow up a whole planet full of people, because he was so afraid... He hated his weakness. He felt like he had after he'd killed that tank filled with Goa'uld larvae, years ago, on Chulak... But this was a thousand, million times more potent fear and anger... He didn't want to succumb to it. He tried to rely on Jack, and confide in him, but it wasn't easy...
The two of them hadn't even yet had sex. Jack kept saying he didn't want to push Daniel, kept saying that Daniel was still too tender because his body was trying to get used to pregnancy... This was all true, but sometimes, Daniel, in his most hopeless moments, was afraid that they'd never have sex... That he wouldn't be capable, or that Jack didn't want him because of everything... And he was afraid, conversely, that if they ever did (have sex), that would somehow 'make him' the woman he felt like he was having to try and be... Because of those scientists. Those Doctors! This was another thing he hated, how what those aliens had done had split up friends... He and Jack saw Sam and Teal'c too rarely now... And Daniel, though he did know and trust Janet Frasier, still couldn't quite be trusting when he had to put himself and the baby, in her hands... He was frightened of Doctors now, though he tried desperately not to be afraid of Janet... He hated that things couldn't seem to return to normal... He wanted his friend to realise he didn't hate her!
Daniel knew that he had to remain under the care of the SGC Infirmary... He knew they were the best, and he knew every reason he couldn't just opt out.
But here, with Jack, at Jack's place, or even, he was learning, at the cabin, though there he was still nervous of, was his sanctuary... His safety... He knew that they were still somewhat watched. If he ever let Janet, for instance, into this place, there were those out there that would accuse them of colluding/hiding something/being untruthful...
"Daniel," Jack held Daniel's hand, and looked into his blue eyes. "It will be okay."
"The only reason me and the baby are still alive is because they're worried that getting rid of us as a threat will make the people who did this to me angry..." Daniel reasoned.
"We've already made them angry, Danny, and they are showing no sign of coming after us, I assure you... I still have ways to find this stuff out." Jack shared with him.
Daniel tried to be reassured. "Jack, we've got to be sure... How can we be sure? Except one way, and I hate myself for even thinking like that..!"
Jack stroked Daniel's hand. "I told you to never hate yourself. It's understandable. We're not gonna do it, but your thinking about it is not unforgiveable, after what they did, and what you and the others went through..."
"I'm so angry, Jack..." Daniel was overwhelmed with tears, and thoroughly ashamed about this, and of himself, and his feelings...
Jack moved, keeping contact with Daniel, helping him sit up, and rest back again, (this time, Jack sat at the head of the sofa, Daniel's head in his lap, surrounded by cushions. Jack brushed the hair back from Daniel's forehead, and wiped his tears. "We'll work through it, Daniel, I promise you..." He cradled him non-stop, loving him full stop, and slowly, slowly, they returned to watching the game together...
The End
