Living With The Memory

by Bethany

URL: http://www.stargateslash.com/asb/bethany6/livingwi.php
Summary: Daniel is grieving for Hammond, his father figure, and Jack, as his partner, is there for him
Info: I would hope that Don S. Davis (and his family) would see this as the tribute to him that it is meant to be

"You don't have to be in here with me, Jack. I might be ill again." Daniel said wearily, as he slumped against the white tiles of the bathroom wall.

Jack ignored Daniel, and brought a damp, cold flannel to the man's forehead.

"I'm sorry to give you all this trouble..." Daniel said, trying to steady his breathing. Crying had made him sick. "If everyone, including me, expects poor Sam to cope all on her own, then, why can't I do the same?" Daniel looked to Jack, who sat beside him on the floor, still helping press the cool flannel to his head...

"Sam had to take a few days off after the funeral, too, remember?" Jack paused, looking into Daniel's blue eyes. "Went home to Mark and his family. The General's death affected her, as well as it reminded her of her father. Don't think of yourself as weak, Daniel. We've all been hit by this... I, aswell as T, the big guy, made every excuse to stay with you guys at the SGC for as long as I could after we got the news..."

"Yeah, and I'm making a nuisance of myself by coming back to Washington with you!" Daniel sighed with as much energy as he could muster, i.e not much.

"No!" Jack said, suddenly but calmly. "You are NOT!!!"

"All these years, and I'm still the weakling next to you and Sam!" Daniel muttered.

"No. You are NOT!" Jack repeated his earlier words. Then, he made a decision. "God forbid me to upset you further, Daniel..." Jack warned, "But it's different for you. This is the second time you've had to go through this grief. You barely got to know your Mom and Dad. Then, over the years, George became a father figure to you, gradually." Jack smiled sadly, hearing George Hammond's voice call Daniel 'son'. "And now, you've lost one father you didn't know, and one that you did... And..." Jack trailed off.

"And it hurts so damn much!!" Daniel cried.

Jack put his arm around Daniel's shoulder. "Sam and I don't begrudge your show of emotion, Daniel. God, if only I could still let go like that. You've never lost your humanity, Daniel, or the right to it!"

"Neither have you... You are forever telling me since we first knew one another, that the tragedies that I seem to leave in my wake, are no fault of mine..." Daniel told Jack. You wouldn't do that with no humanity left to you. All you've done, and seen," Daniel paused, "you did everything to prevent it, even if you think you didn't. If my tragedies are not my fault, and you expect me to believe it, you have to believe it of yours, too. It wasn't your fault."

"That's the first ever thing you told me, too." Jack confided in Daniel.

"That, and the fact that I might not be able to find our way home!" Daniel stated. "Something else that was my fault!" Daniel looked up at Jack, who was running that flannel under the cold tap again...

Jack came back to Daniel, with the flannel, and sat with him again. "You do talk nonsense, Daniel Jackson..." He said affectionately, touching Daniel's face for a moment. "Good job I don't mind listening anymore." He squeezed Daniel's clammy hand.

Daniel rested his head on Jack's shoulder. "I hate myself when I cry..." He admitted. "I always have; it's ironic that I do it a lot!" He said tensely. "And crying seems pointless. There are so many tears inside, I'll never cry enough for it to lessen."

"I know..." Jack rubbed Daniel's hand in understanding. "I hate it when I cry, too..." Jack admitted, matter of factly. "Don't feel like I ever deserve the right to shed tears..." He'd never told anyone that before. But with Daniel now, it seemed right.

"I can identify with that!" Daniel commented. "And I hate to be seen as weak..."

"I can identify with that! Jack mirrored Daniel's words genuinely. "But you don't seem weak, Daniel. No way, 'Jose'! Jack smiled at Daniel, and held his hand.

"We can identify with each other a lot, can't we?" Daniel pointed out to Jack. It was something they both knew.

"Uhu!" Jack replied.

Daniel huddled into the embrace of Jack, his comrade, his friend, and, his unlikely, in some ways, soul mate. "I love you, Jack..." He managed to openly tell O'Neill.

"I know you do, Daniel... Me you, too. I know I'm crap at saying it, but it's true, I do!" Jack told Daniel, meeting his eyes. "I'm sorry I'm so crap at saying it... Sam wasn't. Before you Ascended, I know she told you how important you are..."

"That was my first memory of her when I came; it's why," Daniel paused and smiled weakly, "I asked her what I did, Jack." He paused again. "But you always show me...." Daniel assured him. "You're sitting on a cold, hard floor, for Chrissake!" Daniel tried to laugh like he wanted to be able to.

"True!" Jack grinned comfortingly. "There's not many people I'd do that for!"

"Thanks for sticking your neck out, and making sure I come home with you..." Daniel looked into the huge, warm rooms filled with love and unswerving loyalty, that were Jack's eyes.

"We're partners, Daniel. It's taken me too long to realise it, but I wouldn't want you anywhere else, other than with me... I never do. So, whenever you need a break, like now, when you need somewhere to go; here, with me, is where you can always be..."

"I don't know what Sam would think about that.. You know how she was quietly desperate for things to work out between you." Daniel stated.

"She's not in the picture in that way, Daniel, never really got there at all; either of us, no matter what we thought at the time... And she knows how it is!" Jack told him.

"How come she doesn't hate me?" Daniel asked.

"It's impossible to hate you, Daniel..." Jack said, looking into Daniel's now open blue eyes, and still feeling the guilt of his comments during the 'plant boy' argument, years ago. He hadn't meant them, it was just that, back then, he was uncomfortable about all the ways in which Daniel challenged him. "And Sam knows we need each other..." Jack said.

They sat in silence for a while...

Jack looked at Daniel again. "Do you still think you might be sick?"

"Not at the moment..." Daniel replied.

"Do you want to go back to the living room to watch Hockey re-runs, or go and rest in bed..?"

"Hockey re-runs on the sofa with you..." Daniel said. "I can't sleep right now."

Jack wiped the flannel over Daniel's forehead, once more, then, got up, and put it in the sink, thinking how he'd re-cool it again later if Daniel became clammy once more. He turned and carefully helped Daniel, pulling him up from the floor gently. "You didn't have anyone when you lost your Mom and Dad before..." Jack held Daniel in his arms. "But things have changed now. Sam still had family when her Mom died, and still again, when Jacob died. She had her work family, too. I had Sara to help me both times, when each of my parents died. You had no one, but now you do. For all I'm worth, you got me, and I know that doesn't stop you from having to face all the pain again, memories old, and relatively new, but alone as you're gonna feel, you won't be..."

Daniel teared up again. "Thank you..."

Jack helped Daniel back to the comfort of the sofa, and sat with him in front of the Sports Channel for the rest of the evening... He would have offered to watch the History Channel, but tonight, he thought that that might not be a good thing for Daniel... And when they went to bed, they shared Jack's bed. And Jack slept beside Daniel, there for him all night... But the truth was, Jack knew he needed the comfort of not sleeping alone, too.

As Daniel fell fitfully asleep again, afraid of all his yesterdays, and of what tomorrow might bring, he said to Jack. "There's so much I should have done for my Mom and Dad, even after they died, and so much I should never have done if I love them as much as I still claim to. I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I don't want to let the General down in the same way. I don't want him ever to look down from wherever he is, and question the fact that, as he was like a second father to me, I loved him dearly... Same as I wish Mom and Dad never to have any reason to think they're not loved by me..."

Jack pulled Daniel to him in a hug. "I'll help you in your Memorial tribute to them all; You have not ever let your Mom and Dad down, and you'll never let George down either. You're incapable of it, Daniel."

The End

Author's Note: I make no money, and mean to step on no one's toes at all,by writing my stories... Feedback welcome as long as it is always polite.